just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
