Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
