Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
