but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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