the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Every concussion has its silver lining
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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