So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
