Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
