'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
