I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
