sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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