So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
