my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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