So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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