if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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