Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
