I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
