I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize