just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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