paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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