I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Two words: nipple clamps
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