I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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