i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
