4 words: hood of his car
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
