i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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