We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
