I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize