Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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