i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
