I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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