Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I deserve this hangover.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
