I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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