You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
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