I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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