mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I supernannyed him into submission
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
