why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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