That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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