I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She's like a pop up book from hell.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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