when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
