saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
And then he peed in my hair
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