Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I did not marry a roomba.
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