happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
