She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
