I looked at my own cervix.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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