I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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