Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize