I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize