1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Randomize
