He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
