Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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