my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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