My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
The power of my boobs compel you
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
