So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
