I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
