If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
The police scanner is talking about you again....
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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