Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i think i have two assholes
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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