i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
