before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
