i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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