Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
