I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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