My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
