yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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